Before 2012 ends

This year was overwhelming, a turbulence in its own way but still enough to drive me insane.

About love...

I learn to accept how once a moment passes, it is a memory which you could never regain.
I learn to live but die every day waiting for something would never come true.
I learn that a lust could happen anytime, but mostly when you least expect.
I learn how to embrace one's flaws just to continue falling in love even though my ideal image vanished into dust.
I learn how to love hopelessly and give literally everything I have to that one person I love so much.
But mostly I learn to acknowledge the feeling I get, so bittersweet, when I am with the person I love: so close yet feels like thousand miles away.

About other relationship:
I learn to stand on my own because there would be no one else love myself as much as I do.
I learn to be a heart-breaker instead of having a heart-broken.
I learn to trust in someone.
I learn that when I could not make myself happy, I should make someone else smile.
I learn that... after all, I am still not open fully to anyone and hence, i am still alone in this endless battle (:


And before 2012 ends, in brief:
I have crushes on 2 people this year. One becomes my best friend, who I share everything with. One is... more than an acquaintance yet to be anything more than a close friend. I guess although I have tried everything to get close to...

And I am still in love with you.
To be precise, my mind has always loved you for almost five years? I told myself it is time to move on, but I could not. You are happy with someone else. I know I will always have you, just not officially. But, you were never there. And the lame part is that I could not blame you for living happily with your lover. Anyway, in hope for a better future, I will be with someone this year, not because I try to forget you but because I want to be with someone I truly like, to heal my own heart again.


So new year, here it comes (:

Fragment of love - 3 -

This one moved me so much :) I know how it is like to have an unrequited love. I know how it is like to have your heart broken because love is too far. A hidden confession that probably would never arrive to the one she loves.

____________________________

I remember my first day of school, when I was in line to get lunch meal, you talked to me for the first time, "What's your name?"
I remember the moment when you added me on Yahoo Messenger. We had our very first conversation and I started to notice this boy.
I heard from some folks about your last crush. My heart broke a little, I know I am not really that style. When I felt that we were getting closer and closer... I left.
On my last day of school, you hugged me. It was the warmest hug in the world. You said "Dont cry!"... and I bursted into tears. Did you know that you were my first love?

93 emails were sent when I was in America... Haven't heard from you lately.

I still cannot confess my feelings to you. And I'm moving away.

Fragment of love - 2 -

This one is a tragic I must say. Love is young, yet too fragile to thrive.

She is a gorgeous girl. Boys looking at her immediately have crushes. They would die to please her. They stop and stare when she is walking by. They play love songs, buy sweets, be nice, stay awake until she falls asleep first. But she is cold as ice. But she is sexy, beautiful, charming, sharp, strong, calm, mature, mindful when it comes to people who are close to her, and a sense of playful bad girl. Thats what makes her the "it girl". And she definitely is worth chasing for.
He is handsome, tall and playful but a rude boy. He hooks up with girls, smoke and chills at clubs. A spoiled kid in general. He is a famous kiddo in town.

In a small private school, a rumor started as one heard she would move in. Back from another country, she had no friends, no connections at the new school. However, as she is indeed beautiful, everyone started getting to know her name faster than winds in the winter. And he, a player, got his eyes on her. I do not know whether it was a lust or love at first sight for him, but it happened to change himself. From a rude kid, he turned into a polite, decent young boy, a mature gentleman. He did everything he could do to please her. Got himself into trouble to protect her. Patiently wait for her and walk her to the car. Buy chocolate and her favorite sweets. He did everything. Basically, he made her well-known.

And, yes, after many denials, she accepted to be his girlfriend. They were madly in love. He told her that this was true love for him. But still, full of arguments since deep inside, both are arrogant and obstinate people. They were in love sometimes, fall out of love another times. I myself like this couple since both are beautiful and well-known in the rotten society. They are wild bad kids but she knew the limit, which kept both in safe zone. I also know when love picked its top, they tried something adventurous together which later on made them scared the shit out of both lol. Anyways, arguments kept raging on. One thing leads to another. They broke up and made up and so on.

She finally wanted to break away. Her arrogance made her the winner. Although he cried to be back together, showing such deep sentimental side of himself but she was as cold as first met. This time she did not move for him again. She was the one that got away.

No matter how strong mind she had got, surprisingly, she could not forget him. In daylight, she smiled as if everything is fine. At night, she tucked herself in bed thinking about all the memories that they have had together and drowned herself in sorrow. One month, two months, three months came and went, they were both in love still. He was scared to confess his feelings to her again. Her ego was too big to admit that she was wrong. Eventually, she admitted that leaving him was a mistake. She wrote him a long letter and fought for him for one last chance, for her to know that she had tried her best. How ironic, meanwhile, his on-going song was "Never ever getting back together" by the gorgeous Taylor Swift. Yes, somehow it was his answer. I told him how sad she was although she never showed. He simply said in bitterness: "Oh now she feels a little of how she made me feel in the past. The pain ached for too long, then she must know I used to love her that bad."

And he has finally gotten over her to fall for a hottie.
And I am falling for her. But that is another story ;)

Fragment of love - 1 -

There are many love stories out there and I thought it would be fun to collect them all, whether sad or happy, as citations for inspiration :)

17.12
I sat on a comfy sofa and listened to a woman's marriage life. When she was still young, with the spirit of a fresh 23 girl, she chose to marry a man. The marriage was indeed full of joy. However, as the tears started to fall, one's life ended. It was not her. Sorrow and desperation felt like the only things she knew of. A young poor woman raising a new born baby girl by her own. She went briefly through the details but by her voice, rough and not as fluent as when teaching us, I know it was not easy for such a broken woman to suffer through that time. When life started to settled down, the ache inside eased, love came again. Have I mentioned that she is a Literature teacher, who likes to do charity and explore the world? And yes, her new romance was a combination of both. She met a handsome decent American gentleman on a charity trip. She stopped for a second as if she was trying to alleviate all undeniable nostalgics. He was a great guy, but they were not meant to be. I guess they are still having feelings for each other because lovers cannot stay as pure friends after a separation. They promised to meet each other once a year at different nations. That is quite a promise. It has been three years, and yet, still. To the love they shared, to the adventurous feelings, to the fragile difference between love and friendship.

And she is getting married next year. How pity, I like her relationship with that American man better.

Far.

The idea of loving you seems strangely enchanting. But loving you, is hard.

Jealousy, unsatisfied desires burn me
Like thrifting beats of the heart
You drive me crazy and drunk
Always thirst for love, thirst for you
Looking at you everyday and dying everyday
Knowing you are too far, just too far (:

You told me you only want someone who loves you whole-heartedly
Someone who can make you feel pure love
Why cant you see, burden on thee
Secrets make mind shivers
Your scarring heart and soul
I embrace it all.
Just, trust in me
I dont ask for more
Give me your hands and we shall go far
I wont let you down, I wont let you go.
Forever and always.